Pitching matchup

Cubs: The Bull Moose 15-8, 3.83 ERA
D’bags: Doug Davis 13-12, 4.25 ERA

Lineups

Adolfo Soriano, lf
Dance Fever, ss
Derrek Lee, 1b
Rodrigo Ramirez, 3b
Ginger, rf
Geovany Sahto, c
PonDeRosa, 2b
Jock, cf
Theodore Roosevelt Lilly, p

Diamondbacks

Shorter, blacker Chris Young, cf
Stevie Fucking Drew, ss
Z Route, lf
Conor Jackson, 1b
Mark Fucking Reynolds, 3b
Underwater Swinger, c
Justin Upton, rf
Augie Fucking Ojeda, 2b
Doug Davis, p

Last night’s ill-fated decision by Lou Piniella to pull Carlos Zambrano from a 1-1 game before the bottom of the seventh when he’d only thrown 85 pitches sparked much debate on our spirited, server-error free Playoff Cubs Live! Last night. Some people (well, one person) defended the move. Others (everybody else) thought it was daft.

I can see both sides of the argument, and as someone who thinks Lou Piniella is the biggest reason the Cubs are in the playoffs, I’m not going to dwell on it. But let’s take one last look at the reasons for and against taking your ace out of a tie game. Then we’ll move on. And start the hand wringing about Doug Davis’ supposed mastery of the Cubs.

Reasons why the move is defensible

The series is not first team to one, it’s first team to three, and if you’re looking long-term, at least in the context of the playoffs, the Cubs need to win 11 games to win the World Series.  Piniella had gotten six strong innings out of Zambrano and was set up to finish the game with Marmol, Howry and Dempster, a formula that started to work months ago and probably saved the season.  Zambrano will be the only pitcher in the series to start on three days’ rest, so keeping him from throwing a ton of pitches in game one is essential if that’s your plan.  Blame it on the complete meltdown of Jason Marquis at the end of the season.  Lou planned to have Zambrano go six, as his pregame statement that they didn’t want to have Zambrano pitch more than 110 pitches on Wednesday night.  Normally that gets Carlos through six.  Last night he was efficient, ever facing more than four batters in any one inning and at the end of six he was at 85.  Lou figured this was a bonus.  He got his six innings, the game was tied and Carlos would be that much fresher in game four.

Plus, it’s not like he brought Scott Eyre into the game.  He brought in Carlos Marmol and that 1.43 ERA of his.  Problem is that Marmol struggled with his control until he’d allowed a leadoff homer, a walk and a Augie Ojeda double (guh).  Then he started throwing his slider for strikes and got out of his mess, but not until he’d taken a 1-1 tie and made it a 3-1 deficit.

The Cubs didn’t get a hit off of the Diamondbacks after Ryan Theriot’s fifth inning infield RBI single to shortstop, so unless Zambrano was planning on shutting the D’backs down through the ninth, the bullpen would have decided the game anyway.

Reasons why the move was a mistake

The only game you could have won on Wednesday, was Wednesday’s.  You had your ace, pitching well, in a groove and doing a great job of conserving his pitches.  As helpless as the Cubs were against Brandon Webb, that’s how helpless the D’backs were against Zambrano.  You cannot compare this to Dusty Baker leaving Mark Prior in game two of the NLCS despite an 11-0 lead after five and a 12-2 lead after six.  Prior threw needless pitches in a blowout, when even the erratic Cubs’ bullpen had a big enough lead to protect.

Taking Zambrano out, even to bring in a stud like Marmol opened the door for the D’backs and they did what they’ve done all year, they squeaked through it.  A chance to grab the series by the balls went by the wayside.

What Lou decided to do was to make sure that Zambrano didn’t throw so many pitches on Wednesday that he’d have little left for Sunday.  I understand that.  I’m glad Lou had a plan, something Dusty never conceived of.   But if you win game one, it’s one less game you need to win to win the series.  Granted, it appears Arizona will fight the urge to start Webb on three days’ rest Sunday no matter what the situation, and if the Cubs win the three games they should (Lilly v. Doug Davis, Hill v. Livan, Carlos against Babe Owings) the Cubs will have done what they set out to, win the series.

My big problem with it was that the situation was begging for Carlos to pitch one more inning.  It was the tail end of the D’backs lineup, all guys he had handled so far, and it was going to put Bob Melvin in a situation where he was going to have to figure out how long to go with his starter.

Well, there’s nothing anybody can do about it now.  I’d still rather have Lou running my team than any of the other managers in the postseason.  So there.

Once you get past Webb, the D’backs starting pitchers are a bunch of .500 hacks, the problem is, the one going tonight, Doug Davis, owns the Cubs.  Sometimes it just feels like a guy owns a team, but the numbers don’t show it.  In this case, even the numbers show it.

Since 2004, Doug Davis is under .500 against teams not named the Cubs.  He’s 42-44 with a 4.30 ERA.  Against the Cubs during that time?  He’s 6-2 with a 3.60 ERA.  In his one start against them this year he allowed one run in seven innings.

Of note, however.  Davis appears to have run out of gas at the end of the season.  In September he was 1-1 in five starts but with a 5.33 ERA and opposing batters hit .343 off of him.  He gave up 36 hits and only managed to go 25 innings all month.

Ted Lilly was 2-1 in September with a 3.48 ERA and struck out 28 against only five walks.   He allowed only 28 hits in 33 innings.  So tell Doug Davis to cram it.  Ted and the Cubs are going to kick him between the twigs tonight.

It’s not news for me to tell you that Ed Sherman is a complete fucking idiot.  We’ve know it for years.  But think about all of the annoying things from last night’s TBS broadcast (and so far I think they do a far better job than Fox or ESPN has done the past few years).  You had Dick Stockton renaming E-ramis “Rodrigo” Ramirez.  You had creepy Mark Fein yelling inane things at inopportune times.  You had Cal Ripken and Frank Thomas in the studio putting America to sleep.  You also had non-stop promos for Frank Caliendo’s new show on TBS.  I like Frank, I think he’s funny and his impressions are tremendous, but from 2 p.m. to 11:30 p.m., I’ll bet we saw 50 promos at least for that show.  By the end I just wanted to throw things at the TV.  Not Ed.

However, perhaps the best part of watching the network for more than 10 hours was seeing the ads for Frank Caliendo’s new show, “Frank TV.” His John Madden impersonations and version of Al Pacino reciting “Who’s on First” were priceless. Reason enough to tune in again Thursday.

That was the best part?  Guh.

Also did you catch Steve Stone’s glowing recollections Josh Beckett and how he went on about Beckett’s performance in game four of the NLCS, emphasizing how he knew so much about it because he was there to see it in person?  It was impressive.  It was also game five.  Whoops.  Not like it was a game that anybody following the Cubs would remember.  Just the first of three straight chances for the 2003 Cubs to go to the World Series, and Josh pantsed them, then he’d come back three days later and do it again in relief.  How’s the visibility up there Steve?

Pitching Matchup

Cubs: Carlos Zambrano 18-13, 3.95 ERA
Snakes: Brandon Webb 18-10, 3.01 ERA

Lineups

Cubs
Al, lf
Dance Fever, ss
Derrek Lee, 1b
Cliff, rf
E-ramis, 3b
PonDeRosa, 2b
Jock, cf
Geo Soto, c
Big Z, p

D’bags

Shorter, blacker Chris Young, cf
JD’s little bro, ss
Milton Bradley’s favorite leftfielder
Tony Clark, 1b (Is this the 1997 NLDS?)
Kevin (Mc) Reynolds, 3b
Jeff (Luis) Salazar, rf
Underwater swinger, c
Augie Fucking Ojeda, 2b
Brandon Webb, p

Special thanks to Intrepid Reader Pat Aylward for the corrected Arizona logo.

Incredibly, people are complaining that they have to stay up late to watch Cubs playoff games. You people should be repeatedly kicked in the face. You waited four years for a playoff game and now you can’t wait until nine o’clock? Just what is your job that you can’t work two days this week on six hours sleep? This same thing happened a few years ago to Cardinals fans and I’ll tell you, it set back the 10-minute Oil Change industry for weeks.

I don’t care if they played the damn games at three a.m. The Cubs have gone 99 years without a friggin’ world championship and 62 without a pennant. You play ‘em, I’ll watch ‘em.

The media can’t get its facts straight. Barry Rozner thinks the Cubs are underdogs, Jayson Stark picked them to win the World Series, Vegas likes them to win the pennant (but can’t afford for them to win the World Series). So which is it? Are they a pathetic 85 win team who stumbled into the playoffs thanks to a crappy division, or are they the favorite in the National League?

The Cubs have a better offense than the Diamondbacks, they play better defense than the Diamondbacks, they have a deeper pitching staff than the Diamondbacks and they have a better manager. I honestly can’t come up with a way that they lose this. Well, actually I can come up with dozens, but I’ve found if I drink enough those voices go away.

Then you look over at the slow-pitch softball tournament they’re playing in Philly and Denver over the next week and suddenly, a pennant looks doable. I need to sit down and stick a bag over my head. Paper or plastic? Tonight’s outcome will probably help me make that choice.

The sad thing is that if the Cubs play well enough to get a lead in this series and the next, it’s only going to fuel the panic that they’re going to “blow it.” After all, this is a team that has lost the last six games in a row when a win would have sent them directly (do not pass Go, do not collect $200) to the World Series. We can only hope to suffer angst like that again.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to babble incoherently about Steve Bartman. Mariotti conveniently forgets that by 10 a.m. the day after Stevie had his date with destiny that Mariotti’s own newspaper had his name plastered on their Web site. They helped make him the national punchline that he became, though honestly, tHom Brennaman and Fox deserve most of that credit. Remember in the moments after his spaz attempt at the foul ball how they kept showing him? Over and over again. You’d have thought he was a superhot blonde with boobs falling out of his shirt the way the Wrigley TV cameras were zoomed in on him.

Personally, I do not forgive Steve. I want to forget him. I just want the Cubs to win the pennant so that every time they sniff the playoffs, the networks are forced to prattle on about something that isn’t him and his stupid goddamned headphones and turtleneck.

If you were wondering what our resident conspiracy theorist, BC, was obsessing about these days, now that the Cardinals are back home boiling Sudafed, I thought of something he can start to work on. How Tony LaRussa refused to pinch hit Albert Pujols in the ninth inning of the All-Star Game so that the Cubs would not have home field in the World Series. This one’s free, Brian. The next one will cost you. (But it involves Jim Edmonds attempts to have Bob Barker assassinated.)

Baseball Prospectus is never wrong, because they watch baseball with sliderules! They pick a Cubs sweep. Sounds good to me.

Sometimes making fun of Al Yellon is just too easy. Like when he says he’s rooting for an opposing pitcher to complete a no-hitter against the Cubs so he can “see history” or when he’s calling for somebody to get traded when Carlos Zambrano beat up Mike Barrett and it’s Zambrano, not Barrett. Maybe it’s the thought of him wrapping bologna sandwiches in wax paper before he heads out to the ballpark. Today it’s him exhorting Cubs fans who are going to the game tonight with, “Let’s rock their house!”

I had no idea Al was one of the Stray Cats!

I had Al pictured more as a guy from Devo.

Ed Sherman thought the TBS broadcast Monday night was boring. I agree with Ed. I thought it was terrible. The announcers, Don Orsillo (Red Sox TV play by play guy) and Joe Simpson (Braves color guy) bored me to tears talking about the game. Aren’t they supposed to try to be hilarious and glib? Where was the cartoon baseball to explain to me what a change-up was? It can’t be postseason baseball if Jeannie Zelasko isn’t screaming at the top of her lungs, Chris Berman isn’t trying to squeeze into a dress shirt he bought 20 years and 170 pounds ago and Joe Morgan isn’t there to ply us with loads of nonsensical bullshit. For the most part Orsillo and Simpson got out of the way and let us watch, and actually enjoy, the game.

That will end tonight when Chip Caray sucks the air out of the room with his non-stop prattle and then we’re stuck with Dick Stockton (what, they couldn’t get a shovel and try to get Curt Gowdy?).

Since the Cubs wrapped things up on Friday night it’s been odd to be so stress free the past five days. We’re just hours away from that all changing again.

Can’t wait.

Normally if a guy wants to wake up with Jay Mariotti he has to buy him like six appletinis and when he wakes up it looks like somebody spilled a yogurt cup on his back.

But the Sun-Times wants you to have Jay wake you up at 9 o’clock (because most of us go to sleep when Steve Sanders and Allison Payne start working) for tonight’s game.

This is news to me.  Desipio’s been trying to get Jay to do a promotion with us, “Run over Jay Mariotti with your car.”  We have yet to hear back.

Thanks to Intrepid Reader Doug Selky for sending us the link.  And thanks to the Cook County Corrections for Jay’s mugshot.

“But officer!  I thought he was 14!”

Admit it, you read the headline and immediately thought of Ryan Dempster, didn’t you? Great. That’s the spirit.

The Cubs are in the playoffs for the second time in five years. That makes them sound like a regular juggernaut doesn’t it? It’s also the fourth time in 18 years (not so hot), the fifth time in 23 years (losing you, huh?) and the sixth time in 62 years (ewww.)

Their opponent was born in 1998 and is now in their fourth playoffs and apparently, though I’m surprised Bob Brenly hasn’t mentioned this in his two years back with the Cubs, they won a World Series in 2001. Is that right? Hey, neat!

Oh, screw them. All we really need to know about the Diamondbacks is that in nine years they’ve already changed team colors (they want to look like the Astros, apparently), they’ve worn like 47 different uniforms, they play in an enormous shoebox with a glass top, and most of their fans are actually fans of other teams who have moved to their little part of the American catbox we call Arizona to die.

One of their biggest fans is John McCain and his wife became addicted to painkillers because the PA system in their “We’re Named After A Bank That Keeps Changing Names” stadium is so loud it gives her chronic headaches. If this were 120 years ago and she were married to Wyatt Earp she’d be a laudanum junkie.

OK, because every newspaper in the free world does it, we’re going to break the series down position by position. What will it prove? Probably nothing.

First Base: D’backs – Conor Jackson .284 BA, 15 HR, 60 RBI, 53 BB, 50 K
Cubs – Derrek Lee .317, 22 HR, 82 RBI, .400 OBA, .913 OPS

The Diamondbacks start 74 year old Tony Clark from time to time, but they like him off the bench, so Jackson should start the entire series. He’s shown very little of the power potential he had in the minors and he’s named Conor, so you know his parents drove him to school in a Volvo.

Lee’s power was absent most of the season, but he hit 43 doubles and still put up a .400 on base average, and started hammering the ball in September. He makes plays at first that Conor only dreams of, too. Advantage: Cubs

Second Base: D’backs – Augie Ojeda .274, 1 HR, 12 RBI, 57 games, 113 ABs
Cubs – Mark DeRosa .293, 10 HR, 72 RBI, .371 OBA

Orlando Hudson’s out for the season, and incredibly, the Snakes are playing Augie Ojeda. What, they couldn’t find a full sized adult?

DeRosa had the luxury of only playing second base in September, but with the rosters going back to 25, you could very well see him finish some games in right field. Given his versatility, his aw-shucks manner, a few clutch hits and well, he’s not the coolest guy ever, but he’s on the list. Advantage: Cubs

Shortstop: D’backs – Stephen Drew .238, 12 HR, 60 RBI, 100 K
Cubs – Ryan Theriot .266, 3 HR, 45 RBI, 28-32 SB

JD’s little brother has a knack for getting big hits, he just doesn’t get a lot of hits total. He’s a good defensive shortstop with a good arm, but he’s a Drew, so he’s a punk. He’ll probably fall off his skateboard on the way to game one.

We love the gritty little Theriot for many reasons, two of which are that he’s not Cesar or Ronny. But Theriot’s played surprisingly good defense at short with an adequate arm and really good range. Who knew? Offensively he’s been fading, but like JD’s little brother, he comes through when needed most. Advantage: Cubs

Third Base: D’backs – Mark Reynolds .279, 17 HR, 62 RBI, .844 OPS, 129 K, 111 games
Cubs – E-ramis Ramirez .310, 26 HR, 101 RBI, .915 OPS, 66 K, 506 AB

At one point this year, Reynolds struck out in nine straight at bats. Holy shit. Nine. He broke the streak, by being hit with a pitch. I’m surprised he didn’t swing at that, too. He’s got power, but mainly he’s just up there hacking.

E-ramis had two months (July and June) in which he didn’t strike out nine times. He’s the clutchiest of all the Cubs, the guy the other team does not want to see in a big spot. Big power, a great eye at the plate, he played hurt most of the year, actually hustled most of the time and is one of the best defensive third basemen in the game. No wonder they pay the man so much money. Advantage: Cubs

Left Field: D’backs – Eric Byrnes .286, 21 HR, 83 RBI, 50-57 SB, 103 Runs
Cubs – Alfonso Soriano .299, 33 HR, 70 RBI, 19-25 SB, 130 K, 19 assists

Byrnes is the D’backs best offensive player. How the hell did they ever win 90 games? He’s got average power, good speed, plays like a lunatic in left field, uses hand lotion in his hair (according to ESPN) and never wears underwear (according to Kevin Kennedy). Too much information.

Al went nuts in September. He led off seven games in September with home runs. He hit 14 homers in the month. He threw out seven guys on the bases. He’s the main reason the Cubs played well enough down the stretch to hold off the Brewers. He makes a lot of money, he doesn’t walk enough, blah, blah, fucking blah. He’s a stud, and in his last World Series game he hit a homer that without a rare Mariano Rivera meltdown wins the World Freakin’ Championship. Advantage: Cubs

Center Field: D’backs – Chris Young .237, 32 HR, 68 RBI, 27-33 SB, 141 K, .295 OBA
Cubs – Jock Jones .285, 5 HR, 66 RBI, 254 groundouts to second

Chris Young has a lot of power and he swings from his ass most of the time. He’s also really fast and a good base stealer. Problem is he only got 135 hits and 43 walks in 569 at bats (.295 oba). Take out the homers and extra base hits and he only stopped at first base 114 times. He still stole 27 bases. Not bad. (I know, you can steal bases other than second, shut up.)

Jock played his way off the team in June, but something (the league, the Cubs, Florida’s good sense) killed a trade to the Marlins at the last second. He hit .332 after the All-Star Break (yeah, shocked me, too), including .349 in August and .342 in September. He still is helpless as a kitten against lefties, still can’t throw a baseball more than nine feet, still grins like an asshole at inopportune times and his mother still threatens to strangle fans who boo him, but (gulp) he was pretty, pretty good down the stretch. Advantage: Diamondbacks (Come on, you know Jock’s going to fuck something up.)

Right Field: D’backs – Jeff Salazar .277, 10 HR, 37 RBI, 38 games / Justin Upton .221, 2 HR, 11 RBI, 37 K, 140 AB, 43 games
Cubs – Cliff Floyd .284 9 HR, 45 RBI, .795 OPS, .373 OBA / Ginger Murton .281, 8 HR, 22 RBI, 35 runs, .352 OBA

Carlos Quentin might start in right, too, who knows at this point? Of all the guys the D’backs have played in right, Salazar has been the best. Remember that game saving catch he had against the Cubs in August? The one where he totally overran the ball then dove backwards to catch it? Prick. Screw him.

Cliff and Ginger have been bashing the ball of late. They both play right like they could use GPS, but Cliff hit four homers in September (with a 1.064 OPS) after hitting only five all year to that point, and Ginger finished strong and for the year up .319/.385/.505 against lefties. Holy crap, this platoon actually works! Advantage: Cubs

Catcher: D’backs – Chris Snyder .252, 13 HR, 47 RBI, 67 K, 40 BB, 29 caught stealing in 81 attempts / Miguel Montero .224, 10 HR, 37 RBI, .292 OBA, 10 caught stealing in 45 attempts
Cubs – Jason Kendall .270, 1 HR, 19 RBI, .362 OBA, .356 SLG, 5 caught stealing in 57 attempts / Geovany Soto .389, 3 HR, 8 RBI, .667 SLG, 18 games, 54 AB, 4 caught stealing in 14 attempts

Wow, here’s a real talent collection. Of the four, the one who’s played the least is probably the best. But then again, maybe our fat little friend is just riding his PCL MVP high? Snyder’s had the best year of the bunch, and for a mongoloid he’s pretty good behind the plate. Kendall’s great if you want a slap hitter who couldn’t throw out a runner if they were trying to steal the pitcher’s mound, much less second base.

Montero sucks and sounds more like a car model than a catcher. Soto will probably get most of the starts for the Cubs, because Lou could give a shit about a veteran’s feelings, he just wants to win. Advantage: Diamondbacks (there are no winners here)

Starting Pitchers
D’backs – Brandon Webb 18-10, 3.01 ERA, 194 K, 72 BB, 3 shutouts
Doug Davis (L) 13-12, 4.25 ERA, 144 K, 95 BB, 211 hits, 192 innings
Livan Hernandez 11-11, 4.93 ERA, 90 K, 79 BB, 247 hits, 204 innings, 34 HR
Micah Owings 8-8, 4.30 ERA, 106 K, 50 BB, 20 HR, 146 H, 152 IP

Webb’s the reigning Cy Young winner and had a solid year, highlighted by an unbelievable run when he threw three shutouts in a row. Davis is one of those salad tossing lefties who give the Cubs fits, and it really pisses me off because he sucked in Milwaukee and he sucks now, but he keeps beating the Cubs. Livan’s going to need to resurrect Eric Gregg, as he has been absolutely awful down the stretch. Batters hit .363 off Livan in September and he gave up 40 hits in 27 innings. He managed to win two of those games. Huh?

Micah Owings is a pretty solid pitcher, better, actually than Davis or Livan, and Bob Melvin might turn to him in game three, especially if the Cubs are up 2-0. He absolutely needs to use Owings as a pinch hitter as the big goon hit .333 (in 60 at bats!) with four homers, 15 RBI, seven doubles, a triple and an OPS of 1.032. Yikes.

Cubs – Carlos Zambrano 18-13, 3.95 ERA, 177 K, 101 BB, 187 hits, 216 IP
Ted Lilly (L) 15-8, 3.83 ERA, 174 K, 55 BB, 181 hits, 207 IP
Rich Hill (L) 11-8, 3.92 ERA, 183 K, 63 BB, 170 hits, 195 IP
Jason Marquis 12-9, 4.60 ERA, 109 K, 76 BB, 190 hits, 191 IP

Carlos has been all over the place. He killed the Cubs early with lousy pitching, then he saved them by beating up Michael Barrett (forcing a trade) pitching great and turning the season around. Then he pitched bad, yelled at the fans, signed a big contract, and turned it around again, giving the Cubs four good starts down the stretch. Which Carlos will show up for the playoff opener? Your guess is as good as mine.

Lilly’s been the Cubs’ best pitcher over the whole season. He always struggled with control in his previous stops, but with the Cubs he posted an impressive 174-55 K to BB ratio and that was a huge reason for his success.

Hill has plenty of talent, but a very small sack. It was no surprise that in the first pressure free Cubs’ game of the season he damn near threw a no-hitter.

Marquis blows, and likely won’t get a start in the series, or the playoffs for that matter.

Advantage: Cubs (not by much, but Lilly and Z are better than Webb and …)

Key bullpen arms
D’backs -Tony Pena 5-4, 3.27 ERA, 2-5 saves, 63 K, 31 BB, 46 hits, 64 IP, 75 games
Brandon Lyon 6-4, 2.68 ERA, 2-5 saves, 40 K, 22 BB, 70 hits, 74 IP, 73 games
Juan Cruz 6-1, 3.10 ERA, 87 K, 32 BB, 45 hits, 61 IP, 53 games
Doug Slaten (L) 3-2, 2.72 ERA, 28 K, 14 BB, 41 hits, 36 innings, 61 games

Cubs – Carlos Marmol 5-1, 1.43 ERA, 1-2 saves, 96 K, 35 BB, 41 hits, 69 IP, 59 games
Bob Howry 6-7, 3.32 ERA, 8-12 saves, 72 K, 19 BB, 76 hits, 81 IP
Kerry Wood 1-1, 3.33 ERA, 24 K, 13 BB, 18 hits, 24 IP, 22 games
Michael Wuertz 2-3, 3.48 ERA, 79 K, 35 BB, 64 hits, 72 IP, 73 games
Scott Eyre 2-1, 4.13 ERA, 45 K, 35 BB, 59 hits, 52 IP, 55 games
Kevin Hart 0-0, 0.82 ERA, 13 K, 4 BB, 7 hits, 11 IP, 8 games

The last time the Cubs made the playoffs they had everything they needed, except a bullpen. This time, they’ve got a good one. But so do the Diamondbacks.

The D’backs goal is to have their non-Webb starters go five innings. Then they go with Disco Juan Cruz, Tony Pena, Brandon Lyon and Jose Valverde and that pretty much always works. The Cubs have a similar set up with Kerry Wood, Carlos Marmol, Bob Howry and Ryan Dempster. The weak links are Pena (starting to wear out down the stretch) and Dempster. It’s bad when your weak link is supposed to get the biggest three outs of the game. Advantage: Cubs (Huh? You’ll see why in a second.)

Closers: D’backs – Jose Valverde 1-4, 2.66 ERA, 47-54 saves, 78 K, 26 BB, 46, 64 IP, 65 games
Cubs – Ryan Dempster 2-7, 4.73 ERA, 28-31 saves, 55 K, 30 BB, 59 hits, 66 IP, 66 games

While the middle relief and set up favor the Cubs, the closer spot does not. Dempster’s been solid in save opportunities, but awful when the game’s not on the line. That doesn’t seem so bad, except that he hasn’t had a save opportunity since September 16. So he’s pretty much been sucking non stop for two weeks. Great. Advantage: Diamondbacks

Bench
D’backs – Tony Clark .249, 17 HR, 51 RBI, .310 OBA, .511 SLG
Alberto Callaspo .265, 7 HR, 39 RBI, .265 OBA, 144 AB
Carlos Quentin, .214, 5 HR, 31 RBI, 54 K, 18 BB, 229 AB

Cubs – Daryle Ward .327, 3 HR, 19 RBI, 23 K, 22 BB, 110 AB
Mike Fontenot .278, 3 HR, 29 RBI, 5-9 SB, 234 AB
Felix Pie .215, 2 HR, 20 RBI, 8-9 SB, .271 OBA, 177 AB
Craig Monroe .204, 1 HR, 4 RBI, 13 K, 6 BB, 49 AB
Ronny Cedeno .203, 4 HR, 13 RBI, 18 K, 3 BB, 74 AB

The bench thing gets all screwed up because some of the guys got listed in platoons up there and I didn’t want to list them again, and oh who cares?  It basically comes down to this.  Both teams have one guy who can really pinch hit.  For Arizona it’s Tony Clark, for the Cubs it’s the Fat Kangaroo.  The Cubs also have one guy who can play the shit out of the outfield in Felix Pie.  Everybody else sucks at everything.  Hey, these teams combined to lose 149 games, somebody has to be the reason why.

Managers – Bob Melvin
Lou Piniella

Bob Melvin?  That’s the guy’s name?  If you made me guess what a “Bob Melvin” is my first guess would be the guy in Office Space with the red Swingline stapler, but that’s wrong because we all know that guy is Milton Waddams.  Bob Melvin?  He was Bob Brenly’s backup on the ’87 and ’88 Giants.  Then, he was Brenly’s bench coach from 2001 to 2002 in Arizona.  Then he went to Seattle to be a manager and won 93 games in 2003 and 63 in 2004.  That got his ass fired.

He took over in Arizona in 2005 (because really, how can any franchise let a talent like Bob Melvin be unemployed?) and won 77 and 75 games in ’05 and ’06.

Lou Piniella?  Lou uses punks like Melvin as toothpicks.  Lou played in 43 postseason games.  He hit .300 in those games.  He won two World Series.  In the last one he was in he hit .438.  You remember the “Bucky Dent Game?”  It ought to be the fucking Lou Piniella Game.  Lou saved the day in that game when he speared a line drive that was headed for the right field corner even though the sun was shining directly at him and he couldn’t see the ball.  Fuck Bucky Dent.  Hit a fucking pop up.  Lou won the damn game.

As a manager?  Lou’s won a World Series.  He swept The Genius and his mulleted 1990 A’s with a Cincinnati Reds team that couldn’t finish fifth in the NL Central today (mainly because most of those guys are in their 40s and 50s now).  He won 116 games with the Mariners in one season.  He’s won more games than noted prostitute and pasta lover Tom Lasorda.  He took a lifeless, shiftless, worthless bunch of Cubs who were 22-29 at the end of May, kicked them in the ass and willed them into the playoffs.

Bob Melvin?  In a war movie, the guy named Bob Melvin is the one who pisses his pants when the Germans come over the wall.  Lou Piniella is the guy who kills Germans until his gun runs out of ammo, then he picks up Bob Melvin’s urine stained, whimpering carcass and starts swinging him at the dirty Krauts.

Advantage: Now and forever (or at least until 2009) Cubs.

So what if the Cubs only won 85 games?  No less of a baseball genius than Pythagoras himself says they were the best damn team in the National League.  Pythagoras.  Suck on that.  Dude invented his own theorem.  Have you?  Didn’t think so.

Cubs in four.

The picture is better and clearer, we can practically count Ted Lilly’s nosehairs when he’s on the mound. The sound is great, what we hear, often isn’t.

We take you back to an October night in 1989, when the Cubs were hosting the San Francisco Giants in game one of the NLCS. Vin Scully did an open that to this day, still gives off goosebumps. Vin didn’t hype the game and talk up Andre Dawson or Will Clark. NBC didn’t dust off an old copy of Foreigner 4 to try to fire up the fans.

Vin wrote, and read, about Wrigley Field.

She stands alone on the corner of Clark and Addison
This dowager queen, dressed in black and pearls
75 years old
Proud head held high
And not a hair out of place
Awaiting yet another date with destiny
Another time for Mr. Right

She dreams, as old ladies will
Of men gone long ago
Joe Tinker
Johnny Evers
Frank Chance

And of those of recent vintage
Like her man Ernie
And The Lion
And Sweet Billy Williams

And she thinks wistfully of what might have been
And the pain is still fresh and new
And her eyes fill
Her lips tremble
And she shakes her head ever so slightly

And then she sighs
Pulls her shall shawl tightly around her frail shoulders
And thinks
“This time.”
“This time it will be better.”